IT’S MAY

It’s May, the lusty month of May
That lovely month when everyone goes blissfully astray…  Camelot

                                                      

I’ve decided it’s time to get out there again. Put my toe in the dating pool. Why? Because, it’s May, it’s spring… the quest for love.

 “It’s the one thing in life I think is the biggest determinant of happiness, and it’s the one thing you have the least control over.”

Amal Clooney, my new love guru, on meeting the right person

But how does one go about dating in this new age of technology?

I won’t buy clothes online for fear they won’t be a good fit. So I really don’t see me going on any on-line dating sites. I’m really not the swipe to the left, swing to the right hokey pokey kind of gal.

Maybe the old fashion way…  hang out at my local bar? What could possibly go wrong?

I’ve got it, replicate the manner in which Jane and Michael Banks searched for their governess? My requirements seemed to match with theirs to a tee.

He must be kind, he must be witty          
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take me on outings, give me treats
Sing songs, bring sweets

Then like in the movie I crumpled up the paper, put it in the fireplace and watched as it burned and the ashes flew up and away.

One week later…

I got a phone call from a friend. “I have to ask you something.”

“Ok.”

“It’s Dave.”

“Dave?”

“Yes you know Dave. Well he thinks you’re really hot and wants to take you out.”

“Wow. That’s, very flattering. Are we talking about the same Dave? The Dave from Baton Rouge?”
“Yes cute Dave, the blonde.”

“Right, to be clear, Dave the cute blonde, who lives in his car?”

“Yes that Dave. That’s just temporary. Resourceful don’t you think?”

“No!  He’s a grown man living in his car. Well, at least there wouldn’t be any of that weirdness of him wanting me to go back to his place! Does he straighten up by going to the car wash?”

Mmmmmm. I went back to the fireplace and pulled out another piece of paper, and sat down. Clearly I needed to be more specific…

He must be kind, he must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty…

Take long rides on the open road

But never own, a car / abode

Up in ashes it went.

One week later…

I’m in the produce section of the market squeezing the lemons. When out of the blue, I notice a cute guy in the vegetable section noticing me.  I check out his market basket, single man foods, no kids. Mine is filled with sugary cereals, milk, cottage cheese and 6 bottles of wine. Single mother foods.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

Chit chat chit chat giggle giggle.

And then here it comes. “Are you married?”

That dreaded question. How do I answer it?

“Are you married?”
“No. My husband is gone.”

“Gone”

“Yes, just up and gone.”

“Gone? Where?”

“He’s a um gate keeper, a harp maker, if you will. Well dead, actually.”

“Dead? If you don’t mind me asking how did he die?”

“I killed him in his sleep. But don’t worry I wasn’t caught. No charges were ever pressed.”

His mouth dropped open.

“It’s a joke.” I said.

He moved on to meat department.

Back to the fireplace.

He must be kind, he must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty

Not give weight to rumors

And have a sense of humor

 One week later…

I’m in Chicago for the Housewares Show. It’s fun but a lot of work and late nights.

On this the last morning I had forgotten to set an alarm. I slowly opened my eyes only to see daylight.

“NOOOOO!”

I grabbed my phone, in a dream like state. It was 7:10.

“The bus lives at 7:25, and by golly you better be on it.”

 I leaped out of bed as if it were filled with spiders. Jumped into an icy cold shower, like a fireman I put on outfit number 3 and was out the door by 7:22. Waiting for the elevator I put my shoes on and fluffed my hair.

But I was on the penthouse floor. The suburbs in hotels. There was elevator traffic. I could hear it ding ding ding on every floor.

Finally, I was inside the mirrored box, the doors closed.

“Hello. Where are you going?”

I looked out of my daze to see a strikingly handsome man wearing a Northwestern Sweatshirt.

“What?”

“Your badge, where are you going?”

“Oh some convention center.” I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He looked so familiar. An actor. You are that guy, that guy from TV. Ugh what show? All I did was stare. He was very chatty.

We landed and the doors opened I stumbled out.

“WHERE IS THE COFFEE?” I shouted.

“I’ll show you.” Said cute showbizy guy. “They move it on Fridays.”

“OK,” I fawned.

By 7:30 I was on the bus.

The next morning, I was leaving to go home. I walked over to the new coffee area and poured a cold cup of coffee, emptying out the pot.

“Excuse me is there any fresh coffee?”

“Sure,” the lady behind the counter poured me a cup hot coffee. But now I had two cups of coffee. I wasn’t about to just leave it on the counter after she was so nice to bring me a fresh cup.

So I just took it with me.

But with my hands occupied I couldn’t get my key out to work the elevator.

“Here let me help you.”

McDreamy to the rescue. All I knew was, there he was again.

He had the key to lift my heart. The doors shut. Now I was on my game. Was it fate we were trapped together again? I had 30 seconds to win his over.

“What floor?”

“Penthouse.”

“How was your Housewares’ Show? There’s a lot of people in this hotel with badges.” He said in a flirty grin. This was going great.

Tenth floor. Eleventh floor.

“Right. Good. How was Northwestern?”

“Oh my sweatshirt, my son goes there.”

Sixteenth floor. Seventeenth floor.

“I’m so sorry about yesterday not very responsive and all, I had only been up for 10 minutes, I basically rolled out of bed and threw on some clothes. Working, working, just a working girl.”

“Oh. Ooooohhh I see.” His toned changed dramatically.

I suddenly looked down. There I was holding 2 cups of coffee heading up to the penthouse. This did not look good.

The doors opened on his floor and he bolted out.

“I live in Los Angeles on my way to the airport.” I shouted to the sound of his door slamming shut.

Back to the fireplace…

Even though the technology of dating has changed, the way you go about finding a mate has changed, the actual rules of dating haven’t changed… but I have.

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